I do not know how many days I spent
waiting for you to come, galvanized and paralyzed by fear.
How far, after, did we travel?
We passed from star to star hoping to find
ourselves; waited at the blurred window
for our paths to cross.
This waiting is my cross
to bear, not yours- though I admit I spent
a breathless hour calculating while behind me the window
of opportunity slammed shut, locked with brass fear.
I don’t know what I hoped to find
for you, that we had not discovered in our travel.
I am a pulse of electricity, a wire for words to travel
through, a desert to cross.
The desert grows, I cannot find
an oasis, though I have paid the tolls, spent
the coins of hope and fear,
hired a guide to map the world beyond my window.
My breath fogs the window.
It’s the altitude, I tell myself, the urge to travel
higher than the reach of my fear.
Give me the world, the wind, a sky to cross
Do not let me lie, spent
And bleeding in the sand here, one more set of bones for you to find.
Where are you now? I try to find
a reason to look beyond the window
but my hours are spent
tracing the map, a hopeless travel
of lines that curve and cross
each other, leading to empty fear.
I measure my fear
by how far it moves me when I find
it lurking behind me, waiting to cross
my path, or peering in the window.
I no longer travel
the stars, even in my dreams; I am spent.
I fear no matter how much I have spent
trying to find you again, my travel
has been wasted; I cannot cross the sill of this window.